Monday, March 26, 2007

Facing the Demon

My next martial arts exam is a little over two weeks away. This exam has grown in importance to me. As part of my training for this rank I was able to confront one of the demons from my childhood; my fear of letting go.

I stand 6' 2" and have an athletic build. I have no problem picking up an adult and tossing them into the air. I've always been strong, and it has always worried me. I have many memories of "not using much strength" and hurting someone inadvertently.

Superman summed it up well;
"I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard, always taking constant care not to break something, to break someone, never allowing myself to lose control, even for a moment, or someone could die."
It's a demon that has always haunted me. I have always tried to be in constant control. I always visualized it as trying to keep a demon in a box. Problem is the demon is always looking to get out. It presses against the box, finding the smallest crack and lashes out.

Truth is, in bottling it up I made it worse. What happens when you place a sleeve with specific weak points over an explosive? When it explodes the weakpoints collapse first channeling the shockwave. Instead of an occasional "oops" with a normal kid tweak, I would try to push the explosion back through the weak point and then repair the box. I imagine now that the box looks like it was marked fragile and sent through ACME Mailers.

That all changed as I worked toward this rank. I had to learn the real lesson; that control is being able to consciously choose what you do. The difference between the explosion choosing a random weakness and you channeling what you need of it to do what needs to be done.

Even knowing how much I have learned I am nervous worried scared ... I am going to face this demon head on in that test. I will be mentally and physically tired and I will stand up and face it. I will learn exactly what I have learned.

I'm still afraid that I will break some cardboard.

1 comment:

Al Toid said...

Good luck in the test, Al. I wish I could say something to make the fear easier to face, but it's something you have to face yourself. At least you've got people that care behind you. And a lot of times the biggest fears prove smaller when faced.